Let’s just start out with a disclaimer: If you have a tendency to react whatsoever to sarcasm, you should probably not read this post.
2 years ago over Christmas break I made the journey of no return. (I made a Pinterest account.) Since then, I have reaped the benefits of common place where creative geniuses, moms, fashionistas, chefs, students, and comedians unite. During my stay in Pinterest land, I have made many observations, and these are my favourites. My fellow pinners, have a laugh. (:
1) It never ends. EVER. There will always be more pins to scroll through. It’s like this incredible black hole for all of your time.
2) Join Pinterest and you’ll suddenly find this weird community of people who understand your life.
example: just scrolled past a .gif of someone kicking the self checkout machine in a grocery store with the caption: “OH MY GOSH IT’S IN THE BAGGING AREA” – this seriously sums up the single, poorest choice I’ve ever made (and somehow keep making) in Wal-Mart. (Not including actually going to Wal-Mart.) I look at the lines for the cashiers, and then the nearly empty self checkout lanes, and I say to myself, “but I’ll get through so much faster!” It never occurs to me that there’s probably a reason the self-checkout is empty, in the same way that my memory lapses conveniently, failing to remind me of the last nine times I hated myself for choosing this form of self-imposed torture. An hour later and I’m inevitably kicking the dumb machine that demands I put my milk in the bagging area (and don’t you dare touch it once it’s there, because these machines suffer separation anxiety and just the hint that you might remove it will send it into cardiac arrest) and asks me every 15 seconds to ask for assistance from the supervisor. I feel so bad for those supervisors. Like, does the term “cruel and unusual punishment” mean anything to you!? But hey, someone else on Pinterest understands this predicament, so I can take heart and move on.
3) I don’t even pin DIY stuff any more, cause I will never get around to them. And you probably won’t either. If I have a specific project in mind I might go searching, but seriously.. DIYs are for stay at home moms, I think. (How they have the time to complete them either, I do not understand.) But basically the blog post selling a DIY project goes something like: “Y’all just have to try this. It is so simple, cost effective, time efficient, good looking, impressive, and look! I somehow combined chevron and my sofa! Plus, it will make all your friends jealous.” (They don’t say that, but there is an undeniable unspoken competition between homemakers to consume the most quinoa, make the best unnecessary stuff, and keep your kid from as many chemicals as possible. An honourable battle that I hope to avoid.. forever.)
4) Generally, there aren’t that many 12 year olds.
(Disclaimer: if you scroll down the “celebrities” category, you will see a One Direction boy in skinny jeans literally every second pin. But the other age demographics are fairly represented. Every fifth pin is gonna be Hiddlesbatch or Johnny Depp for all the 30 somethings out there. Every sixteenth or so will be Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe. You can also expect an adequate representation of Jennifer Lawrence and a significant amount of “Chris Hemsworth”s, i.e. muscly men who either can’t afford to wear shirts, or are so rich they’re wearing a tuxedo that walked right out of GQ.)
6) The quotations section is the greatest of all.
Observe the following subsections of the ‘quotes category’:
“sometimes i get this urge to talk to you and then i remember youre a different person now, and it makes me sad.” – on a handwritten note, with a grammar deficiency specializing in a serious lack of punctuation and/or capitalization. I like to call these “The Mopers.” They come in several different forms but all follow the pattern of: “you disappointed me.”
“Don’t be too quick to judge. You never know when you will find yourself in another’s shoes.” Yep that’s right, everyone meet “The Cliches.” These are inevitably afflicted with substandard font choice, which sort of makes it look like a mom created it. But not my mom cause she knows what’s up.
“YOU DON’T NEED A REASON TO HELP PEOPLE.” My dear readers, I’d like you to meet “Captains Loud & Obvious.” These are legitimately in all caps, in black, and on a solid white back ground. They always make me feel a little odd. It’s like, “Did you expect I wouldn’t realize that you just relayed a conspicuously incontestable and seriously unoriginal statement because you were yelling at me?” They nearly always come with the caption: “oh my gosh this is so true!”
Other favourites in this category include: “IT’LL BE OKAY.” (Thanks, I feel so reassured.) “STOP HOLDING YOURSELF BACK” (Lemme get right on that.) “TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER.” (Like, why would you say this. You don’t know my life. You don’t know my future. Moreover, are you reassuring me or lecturing me? I’m confused.)
“She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails.” I’m sure whoever said this was a truly inspirational soul, but it seems poorly executed. I’d like to name it the “I’m Probably an Independent Woman.” It jumps from, “she stood” to “she adjusted her sails”. Do you often stand around with sails? (Joking. She must have been standing on a boat? In which case, she’s off to a better start than I.. Is it mandatory that we all get boats before we take charge of our futures?) You can find this pin overlaid on the ocean in a whimsical hand written style, in times new roman, courier new.. There are approximately twenty-nine different styles available, because every woman should have her preferred font for this uplifting pin. My personal favourite has an anchor. The quote implies that this “she” is capable of directing her life and yet they threw an anchor in there so that she’d be stuck in the same spot? Dadgummit, Pinterest.
“Hipster” quotations, AKA random sentence fragment or expression over a beautiful background. Like “shh” on a picture of the woods. (Perhaps this has some meaningful connotations with the whole ‘can you hear a tree fall’ situation…) Or “life goes on” over a picture of traffic in New York City. “Grace” found on a picture of the ocean. (That one’s actually deep.) (I’m funny.)
“The Fortune Cookie Bible Verses.” So basically:
Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you…”
Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things..” (like pin this verse again.)
Any verse that says “Do not fear” or “Do not be anxious” – or this beauty: “The Bible says ‘do not fear’ 365 times. That’s one reminder for everyday.”
1 Corinthian 13 – “Love is patient, love is kind…”
There is a predestined and ill-fated font selection associated with any of the above verses.
And then there’s a conglomeration of pin-steteotypes that aren’t big enough for their own category. Like song lyrics, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. quotations, etc. There are some really brilliant quotations
that have wonderful typography. I respect these pins by pinning them. I also pin some of the other stuff too… But I mostly try to avoid them. Cause I’ve got pinning class, people.
7) You can hold virtually any opinion and receive one of the following responses:
people will agree & pin,
they will disagree and scroll on by.
YES IT’S THAT SIMPLE.
8) The travel section can give you a practically terminal case of travel bugs and current dissatisfaction in your homeland faster than you can blink. It takes me about three seconds before I’m reasoning out if I could take on a second job so that I could afford to go to England/India/Thailand/France/everysingleotherplaceintheworld.
9) It’s the most noncommittal, addictive form of social media out there. You can unfollow people without them being notified, unlike Instagram, where you have to decide to let the other person know “I am sick of scrolling past your four selfies everyday” which is basically saying “Your face is not that interesting to me.” I’m sure you’re thinking, “But Maggie, Facebook doesn’t notify us either.” This is true… But Facebook is like some form of public diary where everyone is obsessed with recording their daily adventures that are incontrovertibly boring (and make you glad you’ve got you’re life), identical to your own (and you’ve found someone to relate to), or exciting (thus causing you to hate your life.) Not to mention there’s this unspoken pressure to receive “likes” and whatever other kinds of absurd asseverations we seek. (Absurd asseveration serves as alliteration and an oxymoron concurrently. How awesome is that.) Not in Pinterest land! You pin whatever the heck you like, you follow whoever you want, and there are about as few social obligations as a hermit would have to fulfill. Pinterest is like the America of the internet. All free and whatnot.
10) All the fandoms! In one place! Without the creepy stalker side of Tumblr! It’s like, fandoms for normal people. You can still love your little cults of Sherlock, Avengers, Disney, or whatever amalgamation of celebrities and brilliant entertainment you wish to enjoy, and not have to conform to the scary conspiracies, fan fictions, or wars between fandoms. (By the way, I vote Pinterest gets a fandom and we call ourselves the Pinjas. Also, can we just talk about “Sherlockians?” Who on earth passed up the opportunity for that fandom to be called “Holmies?”)
If you made it all the way through that, you probably have enough time to waste on Pinterest.
Pin on, my fellow Pinjas.